Validating feelings

 

Is every feeling valid? What does validation mean in this context? Is there a proper way to react to someone’s feelings? This is what Tuuli is attempting to teach us with her article.

I strongly suggest that you read the article first by following this link:

A Step by Step Guide to Validating Emotions and Feelings | Tuuli Vahtra

 

To start off, in Tuuli’s own words, validating would be “giving another person a direct message that their experience is understandable, real, and logical, given what happened”. Some of the benefits would be a reduction of emotional pain and the feeling of not being alone anymore. She then proceeds to give us some tips on what kind of sentence to use when validating someone’s emotions, such as “Your feelings make total sense”, and “How can I support you in this situation?”.

Tuuli also mentions an often-forgotten aspect of this subject: what validating does not mean. It does not mean that you have to agree to everything the other person is saying. It is possible to acknowledge another person’s feelings without approving or denying their feelings. Another important reminder: feelings do not justify any behaviour. While this might seem obvious, anger does not justify violence at any moment, nor any other harmful behaviour.

After reading this article, I can say that I agree with most of what was written. However, I have a few observations to share.

The emphasis on the importance of emotional validation could leave the reader with the impression that every emotion should be validated, which is an opinion I would not agree on. Keep in mind that I am strictly speaking about adults in this paragraph. At some point, we must learn to deal with our feelings, and I believe that always relying on another person to help us deal with them is not a good long-term solution.

 

Somewhere near the middle of the article, Tuuli also writes this sentence: “A supportive environment for the child’s emotions, feelings, and reactions develops the child’s emotional competence and teaches her, step by step, to react adequately to her surroundings”. I completely agree with that statement. But it also suggests that people should learn to have adequate reactions, not only children, which is kind of going against the article’s idea that feelings should be validated. That statement also implies that people should have control over their emotional and physical behaviour, given they had an adequate education. This is what people should aim for, instead of letting their emotions control their life and then having to write guides on how to handle everybody’s sensitivity. If we expect kids to have a certain amount of control, then adults should be able to at least do the same.

While this is a very complex topic that cannot be solved with a text of 500 words, I believe that this article is a great starting point to open the discussion.

Do you agree with Tuuli’s guide on how to validate emotions and feelings?